Last month I had the HSG procedure which showed there were problems with both fallopian tubes. Thursday I had the laparoscopic procedure to determine what is really going on on the inside of my body. It seems there is a lot of scar tissue and bowel adhesions attached to my uterus. These are causing my tubes to be blocked, which has prevented us from being able to become pregnant. This was caused by my previous surgery. So, my surgery last year to remove my septum and fibroids fixed one problem, but caused another.
My new doctor, Dr. Gibbons http://www.bcm.edu/obgyn/?pmid=11872 could not fix the problem without causing more harm. He has been doing this a long time and I trust his judgement. He wanted to make sure that a child(ren) would be possible for us in the future. However, we won't be able to do it the natural way...we'll have to do IVF (in-vitro fertilization).
I'm sad that it has to be this way, but I also know that it's just a small step in the grand picture. It is a long and tedious process that involves classes for both Matt and I, and taking a lot of medications and a lot of Dr. visits.
So, to my family and friends. To lessen my anxiousness and stress, I will not be talking about the process. When it happens and we are blessed with a pregnancy, we will let you know.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
No news...is NOT good news
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I really have had nothing to say.
I just don't understand why this has been so hard for us. God, what are you trying to teach me? Which direction do you have us going? Please lead us and give us a clear mind to listen.
Monday, May 2, 2011
March of Dimes Walk
We did the March of Dimes Walk yesterday. I bought a butterfly in memory of our babies lost. It was in a butterfly garden to honor babies lost, born premature, and healthy. Our's was almost right in front. Instead of making me sad, it gave me comfort to know that we were walking to help other babies like her, so that they may make it to a healthy (full term) birth.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Things you should never say to someone who has had a miscarriage/pregnancy loss/infant death...and things you should do or say...
What NOT to say...
1. "Do you have kids?"...I know this is a honest question EVERYONE gets, but to someone who has lost babies and/or trying to have a baby, this is a difficult question to answer. I want to say, "Yes, I have a daughter, but she was too precious to stay with us." When Matt and I get this question we just look at each other with sadness and say, "No". I get this question a lot from my patient's parents. I guess they want to make sure I have the same compassion they do while I'm sticking their kids for an IV. I had one mom ask this and when I said no, she said, "Why not, you don't want kids?" I almost starting crying right there.
2. "At least you know you can get pregnant"...this doesn't help when the last image I have of our daughter is lifeless on the monitor. It doesn't help when I go in to the hospital pregnant and come out with empty arms and an empty heart. Yes, I can get pregnant...one day I hope to take that baby home.
3. "I'm ready to get this baby out" or "I'm sick of being pregnant"...I would love to have morning sickness, feel uncomfortable, have incredible heart burn, etc., because you know why...because that means you are pregnant and have a wonderful being growing inside of you!!! Yes, I can sympathize with pregnant women and I can understand how uncomfortable it can be. But, when you are having these thoughts and before you say it out loud, think about all the women who are trying so hard to have a baby. Think about all the women of babies born too soon and having to spend almost half of their gestation in a warm box instead of warm inside of their mother's womb.
4. "It was God's way of taking care of 'it'"...Ummmm NO!!! "There must have been something wrong"...I think of it this way...It was God knowing our baby was too precious to stay here on earth with us. Yes, our baby had Down Syndrome, but she was OUR baby and we would have loved her and wanted her more than life itself.
5. "At least it happened early"...this is not a good thing to say to someone who has had an early loss. My second loss was early, but the moment you see the words "Pregnant" on that home pregnancy test, you are a mother and you have an instant love for that baby.
6. "You can always adopt. There are lots of children who need good homes"...It's not that I'm against adopting...esp. since I have several adopted cousins...but everyone deserves to experience pregnancy...everyone deserves to experience child birth...everyone deserves to imagine what YOUR child will look like.
7. "It's been ___ amount of time and aren't you over it yet? It's time to get on with your life"...Our first loss happened in October 2009 and there still isn't a day that I don't think about it. There are daily reminders of what I lost or what I don't have. Now, I don't cry everyday. In fact, now, I have more good days than bad, but that doesn't mean I don't get sad or don't think about it.
8. "I know how you feel"...You REALLY don't know how they are feeling. Even when someone else has had a miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or lost a child, NO ONE knows exactly how you are feeling. I have had friends have miscarriages since our losses and even I don't know what to say. All you can do is be there for them.
9. "Everything will be fine next time"...I sure hope so, but as a person who has lost two pregnancies, I know that sometimes it won't be. That is what I thought after my first, but then I lost another. So, it wasn't fine the next time. What if it isn't fine the third time either?!?!
10. "You can always try again"...For someone who is still greiving the loss of her child, another baby and/or pregnancy is not going to replace the other. Each loss is different and she needs to start trying again on her own time and when she is ready.
Here are some things you CAN DO or SAY...
* Give a hug...I think a hug says and does the most. You don't even have to say anything.
* Be there...Don't ignore the couple just because you don't know what to say or do. I took 4 weeks off of work after my first loss. The hardest time was when I was alone. I spent a lot of time crying. When I was around family and friends, I felt comfort...even when no one was talking. But, also don't get your feelings hurt when she wants to be alone.
* Encourage crying, sadness, anger...these are normal and healthy responses.
* If you are pregnant or just had a baby, don't get your feelings hurt when that person does not want to talk about your pregnancy or isn't overly excited to hear about how your baby is doing. She isn't mad at you for being pregnant or you having your baby, she's sad for herself. When I'm around pregnant women, even now, I stare at her belly and wish I was in her position. When I see other babies, I wonder what milestones my baby would be hitting now. I wonder what she would have looked like. Since my due date, I remember how old my baby should be and what she should be doing at that time. I love my niece and nephew to death, but every time I look at them, I think about how we all would have had babies all in 2010 and how cool it would have been for our child to have cousins all around the same age and they would be playing together right now. I have a good friend who was due the same day as me. The best thing she did was allow me time away and let her know when I was ok to be around her again. Not 2 weeks before my loss we were shopping for maternity clothes together. It took me some time to see her growing belly, since I knew I should be growing at the same rate.
* Don't change the subject when she tries to talk about her miscarriage or loss, know matter how difficult or uncomfortable it may be for you to hear.
* Listen and know when to be silent.
* Try to remember dates such as due dates, date of the loss, etc. Send a card, send a text that just says, "Thinking about you today", or call just to see how they are doing. Because, believe me...they remember!!!
1. "Do you have kids?"...I know this is a honest question EVERYONE gets, but to someone who has lost babies and/or trying to have a baby, this is a difficult question to answer. I want to say, "Yes, I have a daughter, but she was too precious to stay with us." When Matt and I get this question we just look at each other with sadness and say, "No". I get this question a lot from my patient's parents. I guess they want to make sure I have the same compassion they do while I'm sticking their kids for an IV. I had one mom ask this and when I said no, she said, "Why not, you don't want kids?" I almost starting crying right there.
2. "At least you know you can get pregnant"...this doesn't help when the last image I have of our daughter is lifeless on the monitor. It doesn't help when I go in to the hospital pregnant and come out with empty arms and an empty heart. Yes, I can get pregnant...one day I hope to take that baby home.
3. "I'm ready to get this baby out" or "I'm sick of being pregnant"...I would love to have morning sickness, feel uncomfortable, have incredible heart burn, etc., because you know why...because that means you are pregnant and have a wonderful being growing inside of you!!! Yes, I can sympathize with pregnant women and I can understand how uncomfortable it can be. But, when you are having these thoughts and before you say it out loud, think about all the women who are trying so hard to have a baby. Think about all the women of babies born too soon and having to spend almost half of their gestation in a warm box instead of warm inside of their mother's womb.
4. "It was God's way of taking care of 'it'"...Ummmm NO!!! "There must have been something wrong"...I think of it this way...It was God knowing our baby was too precious to stay here on earth with us. Yes, our baby had Down Syndrome, but she was OUR baby and we would have loved her and wanted her more than life itself.
5. "At least it happened early"...this is not a good thing to say to someone who has had an early loss. My second loss was early, but the moment you see the words "Pregnant" on that home pregnancy test, you are a mother and you have an instant love for that baby.
6. "You can always adopt. There are lots of children who need good homes"...It's not that I'm against adopting...esp. since I have several adopted cousins...but everyone deserves to experience pregnancy...everyone deserves to experience child birth...everyone deserves to imagine what YOUR child will look like.
7. "It's been ___ amount of time and aren't you over it yet? It's time to get on with your life"...Our first loss happened in October 2009 and there still isn't a day that I don't think about it. There are daily reminders of what I lost or what I don't have. Now, I don't cry everyday. In fact, now, I have more good days than bad, but that doesn't mean I don't get sad or don't think about it.
8. "I know how you feel"...You REALLY don't know how they are feeling. Even when someone else has had a miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or lost a child, NO ONE knows exactly how you are feeling. I have had friends have miscarriages since our losses and even I don't know what to say. All you can do is be there for them.
9. "Everything will be fine next time"...I sure hope so, but as a person who has lost two pregnancies, I know that sometimes it won't be. That is what I thought after my first, but then I lost another. So, it wasn't fine the next time. What if it isn't fine the third time either?!?!
10. "You can always try again"...For someone who is still greiving the loss of her child, another baby and/or pregnancy is not going to replace the other. Each loss is different and she needs to start trying again on her own time and when she is ready.
Here are some things you CAN DO or SAY...
* Give a hug...I think a hug says and does the most. You don't even have to say anything.
* Be there...Don't ignore the couple just because you don't know what to say or do. I took 4 weeks off of work after my first loss. The hardest time was when I was alone. I spent a lot of time crying. When I was around family and friends, I felt comfort...even when no one was talking. But, also don't get your feelings hurt when she wants to be alone.
* Encourage crying, sadness, anger...these are normal and healthy responses.
* If you are pregnant or just had a baby, don't get your feelings hurt when that person does not want to talk about your pregnancy or isn't overly excited to hear about how your baby is doing. She isn't mad at you for being pregnant or you having your baby, she's sad for herself. When I'm around pregnant women, even now, I stare at her belly and wish I was in her position. When I see other babies, I wonder what milestones my baby would be hitting now. I wonder what she would have looked like. Since my due date, I remember how old my baby should be and what she should be doing at that time. I love my niece and nephew to death, but every time I look at them, I think about how we all would have had babies all in 2010 and how cool it would have been for our child to have cousins all around the same age and they would be playing together right now. I have a good friend who was due the same day as me. The best thing she did was allow me time away and let her know when I was ok to be around her again. Not 2 weeks before my loss we were shopping for maternity clothes together. It took me some time to see her growing belly, since I knew I should be growing at the same rate.
* Don't change the subject when she tries to talk about her miscarriage or loss, know matter how difficult or uncomfortable it may be for you to hear.
* Listen and know when to be silent.
* Try to remember dates such as due dates, date of the loss, etc. Send a card, send a text that just says, "Thinking about you today", or call just to see how they are doing. Because, believe me...they remember!!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
March of Dimes
I am the team captain for the Texas Children's Health Center in Sugar Land. I’m walking for stronger, healthier babies! Join me in March for Babies and help prevent serious problems like premature birth and birth defects.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Injection Anxiety and Sadness...
The week of my EDD of our first baby and the weeks leading up to it has been really hard. I've been getting things in the mail, and email for 1st birthday parties, toys and things for "my toddler", etc. When I'm around kids and seeing how happy they are and how much fun they're having, it kills me. I just imagine us having a 1 year old and watching her crawling around and learning to walk, planning her first birthday, taking her to the rodeo, and playing outside in this beautiful weather we've been having. Instead, we have empty arms and hearts and all I can do is dream.
The week of my EDD, I was also taught how to draw up and inject medication (like I didn't already know how) to "increase my chances" of having a baby. I did one injection and regretted it immediately. I prayed about it, thought about it, talked to many people about it. I even paged my doctor on the weekend to talk to him about it. In the end, it was my decision. I decided, it was a huge step and if I wasn't 100% about it, and if I was having so many doubts, I knew it wasn't the right thing to do...right now.
I did order one of the medications I would take during the cycle (there are 3). The co-pay for a 10 day supply was $150!!! So, it's nothing to take lightly. If I'm going to do it, my mind has to be right because I don't want to be doing this for many months and feel like I'm wasting money.
I decided to stop taking my temperature every morning and just take the next few months as "whatever happens" months. If trying not to stress about it doesn't work, then we'll start talking injections again.
Well, the first month I stop taking my temps and not stressing about it, seems to have turned in to an anovulatory cycle (not ovulating). Uggghhhh!!! I talked to my doctor about it, who didn't seem too concerned, and said, "some people don't ovulate every month." I did ask him about my weight and if that could be affecting my cycles. He said, "Yes." So, my goal is to wake up early, get on the treadmill, watch what I eat, and eat healthier.
The week of my EDD, I was also taught how to draw up and inject medication (like I didn't already know how) to "increase my chances" of having a baby. I did one injection and regretted it immediately. I prayed about it, thought about it, talked to many people about it. I even paged my doctor on the weekend to talk to him about it. In the end, it was my decision. I decided, it was a huge step and if I wasn't 100% about it, and if I was having so many doubts, I knew it wasn't the right thing to do...right now.
I did order one of the medications I would take during the cycle (there are 3). The co-pay for a 10 day supply was $150!!! So, it's nothing to take lightly. If I'm going to do it, my mind has to be right because I don't want to be doing this for many months and feel like I'm wasting money.
I decided to stop taking my temperature every morning and just take the next few months as "whatever happens" months. If trying not to stress about it doesn't work, then we'll start talking injections again.
Well, the first month I stop taking my temps and not stressing about it, seems to have turned in to an anovulatory cycle (not ovulating). Uggghhhh!!! I talked to my doctor about it, who didn't seem too concerned, and said, "some people don't ovulate every month." I did ask him about my weight and if that could be affecting my cycles. He said, "Yes." So, my goal is to wake up early, get on the treadmill, watch what I eat, and eat healthier.
Monday, January 31, 2011
It's been a while...
I haven't posted in a while. We've been doing well. I turned 37 this year. My life has turned out much different than I had imagined. Good...but different. Christmas and New Year's came and went. We had a good time in Louisiana for Christmas. I'm enjoying my new job....I've been there for almost a year. I miss the hospital and my friends, but it's been a great change.
We are still on our journey of trying to have our first child. I almost hit a road block by developing Pericarditis, which is an inflammation of the sac surrounding the heart. It started by some chest pain and since I now work in a clinic and have access to an EKG, echocardiogram, and a pediatric cardiologist, I decided to look in to it. Thank God I did...the pediatric cardiologist found fluid around my heart. I then went to see an adult cardiologist who started me on some medication for the inflammation. I was afraid he would tell me we had to wait until it cleared....but he didn't!!! The chest pain has gotten better and I see him again in 2 weeks to re-evaluate.
This is Valentine's weekend. Matt says he doesn't believe in it, but it turns out he made reservations for tonight. He won't tell me to where though. He trys not to be a romantic, but a little bit always comes out....like, making reservations at the very first restaurant we ever ate at together, booking a private room for our anniversary...stuff like that. A couple weeks ago he got me flowers for taking care of him when he was sick. So sweet!!!
Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow | ThePostGame
It's amazing and touching to see guys have such a stong bond over somethng a lot of people hide their feelings over. This is a story of 3 friends, and SEC basketball coaches who each lost their babies too soon. The best quote of the story, "What gets me through each day is that I believe God thought my child was so precious and so important that he took her directlyto Him...."
Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow ThePostGame
Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow ThePostGame
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