Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Yesterday, October 14, 2009 was the day our baby was taken from me. We found out it was a girl.

The day before was the second day of dilation. We had to go back to the doctor's office to do this. It was the worst day. I was in so much pain the second they inserted the dilator in me. I threw up with the pain. They gave me a prescription for Vicodin, but it would take too long to get and for it to take affect, so they gave me a shot of Fentanyl and Toradol and said I should feel much relief in about 5 minutes....I never did. On the way home I took a Vicodin. It was only after an Anaprox, shot of Fentanyl and Toradol, and 2 Vicodins and 7 hours later did I feel enough relief to get out of the bed.

Yesterday and today has been ok pain wise. I got Pitocin, what they give to ladies to induce labor. I am also on an oral medication to make me have contractions to help control the bleeding. So, I only have occasional cramping pains...I guess this is what Braxton Hicks contractions might feel like?

I have received some beautiful flowers from friends...I have the best friends!!! Matt, my parents, and Kristy has taken great care of me. Lacy drove down from Austin to be with me yesterday and Matt's family came over for dinner last night and brought a Maggie Moo's ice cream cake.

Nights seem to be the hardest. It is when I lay in the bed and it's quiet that I have a chance to think about what has happened in our lives. I know God has a plan for us, but it's still so hard to think about losing this baby girl and what great plans and things we had for her.

Update

Today was my first visit to begin the process of "evacuation." It was a sad morning. I didn't want to go knowing the doctor would give me something to help me dilate and I would have to do this...with medication...at home...it's not supposed to be this way!!! I already have cramps.

I go back tomorrow (Tuesday) for more medication to dilate me, then we go in on Wednesday for the procedure.

I'm so sad. I'm so sad that my poor baby died 2 weeks before I even knew. I'm sad that I was waiting to find out what it was and now it may be too late to find out. I'm sad that we didn't decide what we wanted his/her name to be. I get sad when I see a pregnant girl and wishing so bad that that was me. I'm sad that we will never get to see or meet our sweet baby.

I want to thank all of my friends, family and my WONDERFUL husband Matt for their love, support and prayers. I couldn't do this without you!!!

Gone, but not forgotten (October 9, 2009)

We lost our little baby without us even knowing it.

On Friday, October 2nd I got a call from my OB/Gyn that some lab work came back abnormal for Spina Bifida and Down Syndrome and suggested we get an amniocentesis. She thought that it was strange that they both came back so abnormal and told me it may be something weird going on with me and that it was probably a false positive. She said she would be more concerned if only one came back so abnormal. The earliest appt. was yesterday, October 9th. Matt took off of work and my mom and dad drove to Houston for the test, but we were still positive everything was fine. When my high risk OB placed the probe on my belly, I knew something was wrong....our baby wasn't moving and I didn't see a heart beat. The doctor made a few measurements without saying anything and then I said, "Is the baby not moving?" He scooted back from the ultra sound machine and said, "I'm so sorry, but no, it's not moving. Your baby is gone." I started crying.

Right now I go in and out of sadness. I could not sleep last night and cried most of the night. It was hard laying in the bed with silence. I couldn't stop thinking about it...I kept picturing our baby on the monitor inside of me not moving...our poor helpless baby. Matt held me all night. Tonight I will try sleeping with Tylenol PM.

Monday I go to a doctor referred by both my high risk and my regular OB/Gyn to give me a medication to make me dilate over night. Then on Tuesday they will take the baby. That's all I know right now.

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I love you all!!!