Things you should never say to someone who has had a miscarriage/pregnancy loss/infant death...and things you should do or say...

What NOT to say...
1. "Do you have kids?"...I know this is a honest question EVERYONE gets, but to someone who has lost babies and/or trying to have a baby, this is a difficult question to answer. I want to say, "Yes, I have a daughter, but she was too precious to stay with us." When Matt and I get this question we just look at each other with sadness and say, "No". I get this question a lot from my patient's parents. I guess they want to make sure I have the same compassion they do while I'm sticking their kids for an IV. I had one mom ask this and when I said no, she said, "Why not, you don't want kids?" I almost starting crying right there.

2. "At least you know you can get pregnant"...this doesn't help when the last image I have of our daughter is lifeless on the monitor. It doesn't help when I go in to the hospital pregnant and come out with empty arms and an empty heart. Yes, I can get pregnant...one day I hope to take that baby home.

3. "I'm ready to get this baby out" or "I'm sick of being pregnant"...I would love to have morning sickness, feel uncomfortable, have incredible heart burn, etc., because you know why...because that means you are pregnant and have a wonderful being growing inside of you!!! Yes, I can sympathize with pregnant women and I can understand how uncomfortable it can be. But, when you are having these thoughts and before you say it out loud, think about all the women who are trying so hard to have a baby. Think about all the women of babies born too soon and having to spend almost half of their gestation in a warm box instead of warm inside of their mother's womb.

4. "It was God's way of taking care of 'it'"...Ummmm NO!!! "There must have been something wrong"...I think of it this way...It was God knowing our baby was too precious to stay here on earth with us. Yes, our baby had Down Syndrome, but she was OUR baby and we would have loved her and wanted her more than life itself.

5. "At least it happened early"...this is not a good thing to say to someone who has had an early loss. My second loss was early, but the moment you see the words "Pregnant" on that home pregnancy test, you are a mother and you have an instant love for that baby.

6. "You can always adopt. There are lots of children who need good homes"...It's not that I'm against adopting...esp. since I have several adopted cousins...but everyone deserves to experience pregnancy...everyone deserves to experience child birth...everyone deserves to imagine what YOUR child will look like.

7. "It's been ___ amount of time and aren't you over it yet? It's time to get on with your life"...Our first loss happened in October 2009 and there still isn't a day that I don't think about it. There are daily reminders of what I lost or what I don't have. Now, I don't cry everyday. In fact, now, I have more good days than bad, but that doesn't mean I don't get sad or don't think about it.

8. "I know how you feel"...You REALLY don't know how they are feeling. Even when someone else has had a miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or lost a child, NO ONE knows exactly how you are feeling. I have had friends have miscarriages since our losses and even I don't know what to say. All you can do is be there for them.

9. "Everything will be fine next time"...I sure hope so, but as a person who has lost two pregnancies, I know that sometimes it won't be. That is what I thought after my first, but then I lost another. So, it wasn't fine the next time. What if it isn't fine the third time either?!?!

10. "You can always try again"...For someone who is still greiving the loss of her child, another baby and/or pregnancy is not going to replace the other. Each loss is different and she needs to start trying again on her own time and when she is ready.


Here are some things you CAN DO or SAY...
* Give a hug...I think a hug says and does the most. You don't even have to say anything.
* Be there...Don't ignore the couple just because you don't know what to say or do. I took 4 weeks off of work after my first loss. The hardest time was when I was alone. I spent a lot of time crying. When I was around family and friends, I felt comfort...even when no one was talking. But, also don't get your feelings hurt when she wants to be alone.
* Encourage crying, sadness, anger...these are normal and healthy responses.
* If you are pregnant or just had a baby, don't get your feelings hurt when that person does not want to talk about your pregnancy or isn't overly excited to hear about how your baby is doing. She isn't mad at you for being pregnant or you having your baby, she's sad for herself. When I'm around pregnant women, even now, I stare at her belly and wish I was in her position. When I see other babies, I wonder what milestones my baby would be hitting now. I wonder what she would have looked like. Since my due date, I remember how old my baby should be and what she should be doing at that time. I love my niece and nephew to death, but every time I look at them, I think about how we all would have had babies all in 2010 and how cool it would have been for our child to have cousins all around the same age and they would be playing together right now. I have a good friend who was due the same day as me. The best thing she did was allow me time away and let her know when I was ok to be around her again. Not 2 weeks before my loss we were shopping for maternity clothes together. It took me some time to see her growing belly, since I knew I should be growing at the same rate.
* Don't change the subject when she tries to talk about her miscarriage or loss, know matter how difficult or uncomfortable it may be for you to hear.
* Listen and know when to be silent.
* Try to remember dates such as due dates, date of the loss, etc. Send a card, send a text that just says, "Thinking about you today", or call just to see how they are doing. Because, believe me...they remember!!!